weirdnews

Usually I focus on the news of the weird world in this space, but today I’m focusing of news of the heart. Simon is a darling little boy born way too soon, and he’s fighting for his life in Denver. His mom is a fellow blogger, writer, and all-around good egg, but the financial hardship of traveling to another state to see her little angel is hard on the family. Visit Supporting Simon, read his amazing story, and give a little love to one tiny miracle. While Democrats may have all the headlines in Denver next week, Simon has the most amazing story of survival. While he’s just over a pound, every ounce must be chock-full of gumption. If you can’t spare a donation right now, why not share his story in a blog post, so others can. Be a part of something special!

Think parades are old-fashioned affairs, with no zip or pizzazz? Then get abreast of the ‘Boobs on Bikes’ parade, scheduled to bounce through Auckland, New Zealand this week.  The parade received the thumbs-up from the court, despite the objections of the city council, who believe that the free-range rack display is offensive. Opponents of the parade may find the teeming ta-tas tasteless, according to the court ruling, but 80,000 parade-peekers showed up last year for the jiggle-fest, and those figures don’t lie. (The thought of thousands of distracted males slapping down cash during the titillating festival couldn’t have hurt, either.) The parade is part of an erotic event, and features porn stars from around the globes, er, globe. Let’s hope there’s plenty of sunscreen!

Green tea provides self-defense for your body—in more ways than one. A quick-thinking Tokyo woman thwarted a violent robber by fixing him a cup of tea after he forced his way into her home. The cash-seeking criminal was armed with a knife, but the young woman, seeking to protect herself and her six-month-old child, hoped the tea would defuse the situation, said authorities. Apparently the gesture worked, because the robber drank his tea, set down his weapon, and even monologued about himself for twenty minutes, a classic villain move ripped right from the Pixar movie The Incredibles. Afterward, the brave supermom gave the thief 10,000 yen, which amounts to approximately $100, and escaped out of the apartment to a nearby pay phone. The calmed hoodlum was gone by the time police arrived, and is still on the loose. Maybe Tokyo’s finest should set out a few tea-baited traps along the street, or we could send Dr. Phil to help the troubled robber sort out his problems.

Call it ‘Cheech and Chong Hanging Out With the Grateful Dead.’

Two caretakers at a Vietnam cemetery were busted by the fuzz before they could harvest their cannabis crop, planted in an 82-foot green spot unoccupied by any deceased residents. The forty-something stoners took advantage of the cemetery’s location, and grew their illegal yield in the only quiet corner of Hanoi, the country’s bustling capital city. While the main article doesn’t state how the authorities discovered the men’s little patch of heaven, one has to wonder if someone noticed roving packs of red-eyed mourners smuggling in Cheetos and Pop Tarts. Duuuuuude.

An Amsterdam circus had a small problem under the big top last week; dozens of animals escaped from their enclosures in a daring escape attempt, according to a Reuters news report. Police believe that the instigator of the breakout was extremely tall with a blotchy complexion, and known to be a strict vegetarian. Although the giraffe refused to talk about the event, it is possible that the pot-bellied pigs squealed after their capture, and authorities have surmised that the suspect kicked the pen open. Also apprehended were more than two dozen camels, a couple of zebras, and several llamas. Since this is Amsterdam, not Mexico, none of the animals were charged, although rumors abound regarding the giraffe signing an animated movie deal about the incident.

A Connecticut man learned that a pet’s bark isn’t worse than its bite when he tried to sic his snake on two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance call. Seems the slimy suspect kept threatening his girlfriend with the only long, impressive asset he had—a nine-foot albino python. Police were incredibly unimpressed when they opened the door, according to press reports, and the man commanded the snake to ‘Get them!’ It didn’t. So much for all those obedience lessons.

The perp and his python were taken into custody. Hopefully the girlfriend will read the next personal ad a bit closer when it mentions a love of Whitesnake.

Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but female nakedness can cause male stupidity.

A Florida man recently got more than he bargained for when he hired a maid off the internet to spruce up his home. The $100-an-hour feather-duster fiend quickly discarded her clothes, then proceeded to tidy up the house in the buff. The dirty old man got more than his clock cleaned when he left the bedroom to let his new skin-friendly employee charm away the debris–he also ended up missing $40,000 in jewelry, which went unnoticed until his wife returned from vacation.

A police investigation is underway, and, although unreported, divorce proceedings would logically also be in the works, unless the husband quickly hires a nude pool boy.

Just one question remains: exactly where did the sticky-fingered nudist stash the gems until she left? If the jewels are recovered, let’s hope the wife has them thoroughly cleaned first.

A drug training exercise by customs officials at Tokyo’s Narita airport may likely turn a tourist’s trip into the Lost Weekend. An overzealous official hid a parcel of cannabis in a Hong Kong visitor’s suitcase so drug-sniffing dogs could find it, said authorities. When the ganja failed to be caught on the wind by the pot-smelling poochies, customs tried to track down the suitcase, but apparently the package and the case disappeared in a puff of smoke. Although normally a training case is used, the official explained that they had stuffed drugs into unknowing passengers’ suitcases before without any repercussions. And if they do slip past, well, there’s always that spiffy body cavity search.

Meanwhile, the customs team is asking the public that if they find the package, to please return the heap o’ hash to them as soon as possible. Riiiiiiiiight.

Some New Zealand kids got a creepy case of too much information when fruit-filled bags were printed with a supposed child-friendly website promoting healthy nutrition; instead of frolicking oranges, small surfers were instead treated to the dancing nuts of hardcore gay porn. The fruit company blamed the cringe-inducing mix-up on hackers and typos, and quickly snatched up any similar website domain names to avoid scarring any more young minds with man-candy instead of mandarins. And the name of the original, kid-friendly website with puzzles and games? Munch Island. One wonders where things went astray….hmmm…..feel free to make your own fruit-related joke here.

One young car thief has learned something even Hansel and Gretel know: if you’re running from something, don’t go into the woods. Those thick storybook forests–and the monsters in them–still exist in Germany, as an 18-year-old ride-stealer recently discovered. He and a friend were on the lam from the German fuzz when they ditched their prize after ramming the police car. (And right here we see a pattern of bad decisions. Kids, stay in school!) As the driver made his nighttime escape deeper and deeper into the spooky woods, the cops apparently lost his trail until they heard his frantic calls for help: the would-be criminal had met up with a true leader of the pack, a large wild boar out for a leisurely walk with the family.

Since the wild boar can easily weigh hundreds of pounds and have the temper of Bill O’Reilly on a bad day, the kid quickly realized that being in police custody might not be the worst thing that could happen to him. After rescuing the cowardly car thief, the police then arrested him, since not even Little Red Riding Hood could give him a good alibi.