weirdnews

Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but female nakedness can cause male stupidity.

A Florida man recently got more than he bargained for when he hired a maid off the internet to spruce up his home. The $100-an-hour feather-duster fiend quickly discarded her clothes, then proceeded to tidy up the house in the buff. The dirty old man got more than his clock cleaned when he left the bedroom to let his new skin-friendly employee charm away the debris–he also ended up missing $40,000 in jewelry, which went unnoticed until his wife returned from vacation.

A police investigation is underway, and, although unreported, divorce proceedings would logically also be in the works, unless the husband quickly hires a nude pool boy.

Just one question remains: exactly where did the sticky-fingered nudist stash the gems until she left? If the jewels are recovered, let’s hope the wife has them thoroughly cleaned first.

A drug training exercise by customs officials at Tokyo’s Narita airport may likely turn a tourist’s trip into the Lost Weekend. An overzealous official hid a parcel of cannabis in a Hong Kong visitor’s suitcase so drug-sniffing dogs could find it, said authorities. When the ganja failed to be caught on the wind by the pot-smelling poochies, customs tried to track down the suitcase, but apparently the package and the case disappeared in a puff of smoke. Although normally a training case is used, the official explained that they had stuffed drugs into unknowing passengers’ suitcases before without any repercussions. And if they do slip past, well, there’s always that spiffy body cavity search.

Meanwhile, the customs team is asking the public that if they find the package, to please return the heap o’ hash to them as soon as possible. Riiiiiiiiight.

Some New Zealand kids got a creepy case of too much information when fruit-filled bags were printed with a supposed child-friendly website promoting healthy nutrition; instead of frolicking oranges, small surfers were instead treated to the dancing nuts of hardcore gay porn. The fruit company blamed the cringe-inducing mix-up on hackers and typos, and quickly snatched up any similar website domain names to avoid scarring any more young minds with man-candy instead of mandarins. And the name of the original, kid-friendly website with puzzles and games? Munch Island. One wonders where things went astray….hmmm…..feel free to make your own fruit-related joke here.

One young car thief has learned something even Hansel and Gretel know: if you’re running from something, don’t go into the woods. Those thick storybook forests–and the monsters in them–still exist in Germany, as an 18-year-old ride-stealer recently discovered. He and a friend were on the lam from the German fuzz when they ditched their prize after ramming the police car. (And right here we see a pattern of bad decisions. Kids, stay in school!) As the driver made his nighttime escape deeper and deeper into the spooky woods, the cops apparently lost his trail until they heard his frantic calls for help: the would-be criminal had met up with a true leader of the pack, a large wild boar out for a leisurely walk with the family.

Since the wild boar can easily weigh hundreds of pounds and have the temper of Bill O’Reilly on a bad day, the kid quickly realized that being in police custody might not be the worst thing that could happen to him. After rescuing the cowardly car thief, the police then arrested him, since not even Little Red Riding Hood could give him a good alibi.

“Yes, I’d like the power windows, DVD player, and the deluxe road rage kit, please.”

In the market for a new car? One Kansas City dealership gives buyers the chance to really gun the engine. Each purchaser of a new vehicle can either pick a $250 gas card, or pack some heat with a $250 credit at a local gun shop.

Sales have reportedly quadrupled at the dealership, and most customers are forgoing the petrol and selecting a new sidearm as their perk. The owner is recommending a small pistol that fits neatly into a pocket, and redemption of the credits has been brisk, he said.

The promotion took at shot at an offhand comment apparently made by Democratic candidate Barack Obama regarding two Midwest staples: guns and Bibles. While a strong statement for American freedoms, the promotion may kick the next season of ‘Cops’ off with a bang. Or it could make the Kansas City rush hour a lot more polite, who knows?

Forget microchips; a lost African grey parrot talked his way home after escaping from his owner’s house in Japan and getting lost. The wayward bird was plucked from a neighbor’s roof, and initially taken to the police station, giving the cops the silent treatment. The next day, the caged bird sang for the local veterinarian, reciting his full name of Yosuke Nakamura and his complete street address. Authorities checked out the location, and discovered that Yosuke’s story wasn’t a feathered flight of fancy after all. His family stated that they had been teaching the chatty parrot to recite his name and address, just in case he ever flew the coop. While everyone was glad to see Yosuke reunited with his family, the police were wondering what the flock was up with the bird refusing to talk with them first. One officer stated that he tried to be friendly, but the misplaced grey ignored him. Hey, it could have been worse–the parrot could have popped off with “Cop wanna donut?”

A donkey, some assault and battery charges, time in a Mexican jail: the only thing missing from this story is some tequila to make it a riveting weekend tale. A burro is safely behind bars after attacking two men on a ranch in Mexico, stuck in the drunk tank until his owner ponies up some pesos to cover the victims’ medical bills. After the donkey bit and kicked the men, authorities say the animal became unruly and mad, taking six men to subdue it. Hmmm, they give anger management classes to horses and donkeys, don’t they?

The owner is trying to reach an agreement with the victims for payment, so they’ll let his jackass go.

A representative for the police stated that if someone commits a crime, they’re jailed, no matter who they are.

Watch out, chupacabra. There’s a price on your head.

Remember how your mom always said breakfast was the most important meal of the day? She wasn’t kidding.

A hungry criminal left behind part of his between-meals snack, a half-consumed Snickers bar, during the robbery earlier this year of an Arkansas animal hospital. In a moment worthy of any CSI episode, authorities tested the remains of the tempting treat for DNA, and found their famished would-be felon already on file–and on probation– from a previous firearms charge. The sweet-tooth bandit was apprehended, and now awaits his day in court instead of the candy aisle. Let’s hope he brushed afterward, so the state’s evidence won’t give him cavities to worry about as well.

“Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon? And a bag of cash?”

An Australian man waited politely in a long line at a packed Sydney post office, using his best manners until it was his turn at the window. At that point, his wily criminal mind took over as he jumped over the counter, grabbed some cash, and beat it out the door. As the postal workers chased after the considerate robber, he ended up dropping some of his loot. He also lost a rather large knife, which could have cut his waiting time in half. Authorities are still looking for the patient bandit, who may be sitting somewhere in Sydney thinking “D’oh! I forgot the stamps!”

Two dim suspects were arrested in New York recently for stealing aluminum street light poles stashed in storage. The masterminds had concocted a scheme to carve up the poles, which cost the local government approximately $1,000 each, then sell the chopped-up remains as scrap and reap the whopping ill-gotten profit of $150 a piece. Scrap metal? Dudes, really? Haven’t you ever heard of eBay?

The two men were captured before they could abscond with their gleaming silver-toned booty and charged with larceny. Authorities stated that they are working to reduce this kind of metal malice, which is all too common with copper wire, a much more valuable scrap commodity.

While their piecemeal logic leaves clearer minds in the dark, one thing is for certain: aluminum can hoarders all across New York state are now locking their garages.