weirdnews

Think parades are old-fashioned affairs, with no zip or pizzazz? Then get abreast of the ‘Boobs on Bikes’ parade, scheduled to bounce through Auckland, New Zealand this week.  The parade received the thumbs-up from the court, despite the objections of the city council, who believe that the free-range rack display is offensive. Opponents of the parade may find the teeming ta-tas tasteless, according to the court ruling, but 80,000 parade-peekers showed up last year for the jiggle-fest, and those figures don’t lie. (The thought of thousands of distracted males slapping down cash during the titillating festival couldn’t have hurt, either.) The parade is part of an erotic event, and features porn stars from around the globes, er, globe. Let’s hope there’s plenty of sunscreen!

Call it ‘Cheech and Chong Hanging Out With the Grateful Dead.’

Two caretakers at a Vietnam cemetery were busted by the fuzz before they could harvest their cannabis crop, planted in an 82-foot green spot unoccupied by any deceased residents. The forty-something stoners took advantage of the cemetery’s location, and grew their illegal yield in the only quiet corner of Hanoi, the country’s bustling capital city. While the main article doesn’t state how the authorities discovered the men’s little patch of heaven, one has to wonder if someone noticed roving packs of red-eyed mourners smuggling in Cheetos and Pop Tarts. Duuuuuude.

An Amsterdam circus had a small problem under the big top last week; dozens of animals escaped from their enclosures in a daring escape attempt, according to a Reuters news report. Police believe that the instigator of the breakout was extremely tall with a blotchy complexion, and known to be a strict vegetarian. Although the giraffe refused to talk about the event, it is possible that the pot-bellied pigs squealed after their capture, and authorities have surmised that the suspect kicked the pen open. Also apprehended were more than two dozen camels, a couple of zebras, and several llamas. Since this is Amsterdam, not Mexico, none of the animals were charged, although rumors abound regarding the giraffe signing an animated movie deal about the incident.

A Connecticut man learned that a pet’s bark isn’t worse than its bite when he tried to sic his snake on two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance call. Seems the slimy suspect kept threatening his girlfriend with the only long, impressive asset he had—a nine-foot albino python. Police were incredibly unimpressed when they opened the door, according to press reports, and the man commanded the snake to ‘Get them!’ It didn’t. So much for all those obedience lessons.

The perp and his python were taken into custody. Hopefully the girlfriend will read the next personal ad a bit closer when it mentions a love of Whitesnake.

Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but female nakedness can cause male stupidity.

A Florida man recently got more than he bargained for when he hired a maid off the internet to spruce up his home. The $100-an-hour feather-duster fiend quickly discarded her clothes, then proceeded to tidy up the house in the buff. The dirty old man got more than his clock cleaned when he left the bedroom to let his new skin-friendly employee charm away the debris–he also ended up missing $40,000 in jewelry, which went unnoticed until his wife returned from vacation.

A police investigation is underway, and, although unreported, divorce proceedings would logically also be in the works, unless the husband quickly hires a nude pool boy.

Just one question remains: exactly where did the sticky-fingered nudist stash the gems until she left? If the jewels are recovered, let’s hope the wife has them thoroughly cleaned first.

Some New Zealand kids got a creepy case of too much information when fruit-filled bags were printed with a supposed child-friendly website promoting healthy nutrition; instead of frolicking oranges, small surfers were instead treated to the dancing nuts of hardcore gay porn. The fruit company blamed the cringe-inducing mix-up on hackers and typos, and quickly snatched up any similar website domain names to avoid scarring any more young minds with man-candy instead of mandarins. And the name of the original, kid-friendly website with puzzles and games? Munch Island. One wonders where things went astray….hmmm…..feel free to make your own fruit-related joke here.

One young car thief has learned something even Hansel and Gretel know: if you’re running from something, don’t go into the woods. Those thick storybook forests–and the monsters in them–still exist in Germany, as an 18-year-old ride-stealer recently discovered. He and a friend were on the lam from the German fuzz when they ditched their prize after ramming the police car. (And right here we see a pattern of bad decisions. Kids, stay in school!) As the driver made his nighttime escape deeper and deeper into the spooky woods, the cops apparently lost his trail until they heard his frantic calls for help: the would-be criminal had met up with a true leader of the pack, a large wild boar out for a leisurely walk with the family.

Since the wild boar can easily weigh hundreds of pounds and have the temper of Bill O’Reilly on a bad day, the kid quickly realized that being in police custody might not be the worst thing that could happen to him. After rescuing the cowardly car thief, the police then arrested him, since not even Little Red Riding Hood could give him a good alibi.

“Yes, I’d like the power windows, DVD player, and the deluxe road rage kit, please.”

In the market for a new car? One Kansas City dealership gives buyers the chance to really gun the engine. Each purchaser of a new vehicle can either pick a $250 gas card, or pack some heat with a $250 credit at a local gun shop.

Sales have reportedly quadrupled at the dealership, and most customers are forgoing the petrol and selecting a new sidearm as their perk. The owner is recommending a small pistol that fits neatly into a pocket, and redemption of the credits has been brisk, he said.

The promotion took at shot at an offhand comment apparently made by Democratic candidate Barack Obama regarding two Midwest staples: guns and Bibles. While a strong statement for American freedoms, the promotion may kick the next season of ‘Cops’ off with a bang. Or it could make the Kansas City rush hour a lot more polite, who knows?

Forget microchips; a lost African grey parrot talked his way home after escaping from his owner’s house in Japan and getting lost. The wayward bird was plucked from a neighbor’s roof, and initially taken to the police station, giving the cops the silent treatment. The next day, the caged bird sang for the local veterinarian, reciting his full name of Yosuke Nakamura and his complete street address. Authorities checked out the location, and discovered that Yosuke’s story wasn’t a feathered flight of fancy after all. His family stated that they had been teaching the chatty parrot to recite his name and address, just in case he ever flew the coop. While everyone was glad to see Yosuke reunited with his family, the police were wondering what the flock was up with the bird refusing to talk with them first. One officer stated that he tried to be friendly, but the misplaced grey ignored him. Hey, it could have been worse–the parrot could have popped off with “Cop wanna donut?”

A donkey, some assault and battery charges, time in a Mexican jail: the only thing missing from this story is some tequila to make it a riveting weekend tale. A burro is safely behind bars after attacking two men on a ranch in Mexico, stuck in the drunk tank until his owner ponies up some pesos to cover the victims’ medical bills. After the donkey bit and kicked the men, authorities say the animal became unruly and mad, taking six men to subdue it. Hmmm, they give anger management classes to horses and donkeys, don’t they?

The owner is trying to reach an agreement with the victims for payment, so they’ll let his jackass go.

A representative for the police stated that if someone commits a crime, they’re jailed, no matter who they are.

Watch out, chupacabra. There’s a price on your head.