weirdnews

“Yes, I’d like the power windows, DVD player, and the deluxe road rage kit, please.”

In the market for a new car? One Kansas City dealership gives buyers the chance to really gun the engine. Each purchaser of a new vehicle can either pick a $250 gas card, or pack some heat with a $250 credit at a local gun shop.

Sales have reportedly quadrupled at the dealership, and most customers are forgoing the petrol and selecting a new sidearm as their perk. The owner is recommending a small pistol that fits neatly into a pocket, and redemption of the credits has been brisk, he said.

The promotion took at shot at an offhand comment apparently made by Democratic candidate Barack Obama regarding two Midwest staples: guns and Bibles. While a strong statement for American freedoms, the promotion may kick the next season of ‘Cops’ off with a bang. Or it could make the Kansas City rush hour a lot more polite, who knows?

Forget microchips; a lost African grey parrot talked his way home after escaping from his owner’s house in Japan and getting lost. The wayward bird was plucked from a neighbor’s roof, and initially taken to the police station, giving the cops the silent treatment. The next day, the caged bird sang for the local veterinarian, reciting his full name of Yosuke Nakamura and his complete street address. Authorities checked out the location, and discovered that Yosuke’s story wasn’t a feathered flight of fancy after all. His family stated that they had been teaching the chatty parrot to recite his name and address, just in case he ever flew the coop. While everyone was glad to see Yosuke reunited with his family, the police were wondering what the flock was up with the bird refusing to talk with them first. One officer stated that he tried to be friendly, but the misplaced grey ignored him. Hey, it could have been worse–the parrot could have popped off with “Cop wanna donut?”

A donkey, some assault and battery charges, time in a Mexican jail: the only thing missing from this story is some tequila to make it a riveting weekend tale. A burro is safely behind bars after attacking two men on a ranch in Mexico, stuck in the drunk tank until his owner ponies up some pesos to cover the victims’ medical bills. After the donkey bit and kicked the men, authorities say the animal became unruly and mad, taking six men to subdue it. Hmmm, they give anger management classes to horses and donkeys, don’t they?

The owner is trying to reach an agreement with the victims for payment, so they’ll let his jackass go.

A representative for the police stated that if someone commits a crime, they’re jailed, no matter who they are.

Watch out, chupacabra. There’s a price on your head.

Remember how your mom always said breakfast was the most important meal of the day? She wasn’t kidding.

A hungry criminal left behind part of his between-meals snack, a half-consumed Snickers bar, during the robbery earlier this year of an Arkansas animal hospital. In a moment worthy of any CSI episode, authorities tested the remains of the tempting treat for DNA, and found their famished would-be felon already on file–and on probation– from a previous firearms charge. The sweet-tooth bandit was apprehended, and now awaits his day in court instead of the candy aisle. Let’s hope he brushed afterward, so the state’s evidence won’t give him cavities to worry about as well.

“Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon? And a bag of cash?”

An Australian man waited politely in a long line at a packed Sydney post office, using his best manners until it was his turn at the window. At that point, his wily criminal mind took over as he jumped over the counter, grabbed some cash, and beat it out the door. As the postal workers chased after the considerate robber, he ended up dropping some of his loot. He also lost a rather large knife, which could have cut his waiting time in half. Authorities are still looking for the patient bandit, who may be sitting somewhere in Sydney thinking “D’oh! I forgot the stamps!”

Two dim suspects were arrested in New York recently for stealing aluminum street light poles stashed in storage. The masterminds had concocted a scheme to carve up the poles, which cost the local government approximately $1,000 each, then sell the chopped-up remains as scrap and reap the whopping ill-gotten profit of $150 a piece. Scrap metal? Dudes, really? Haven’t you ever heard of eBay?

The two men were captured before they could abscond with their gleaming silver-toned booty and charged with larceny. Authorities stated that they are working to reduce this kind of metal malice, which is all too common with copper wire, a much more valuable scrap commodity.

While their piecemeal logic leaves clearer minds in the dark, one thing is for certain: aluminum can hoarders all across New York state are now locking their garages.

Think the worst seat on an airplane is in the aisle? Think again. A man is suing JetBlue for forcing him to give up his seat to a flight attendant and sit on the toilet during a flight from California to New York. Originally, the man, who was flying on a voucher from an airline employee friend, was told that no seats were available on the five-hour flight, but a flight attendant determined that her buns of steel could handle the jump seat in the back of the plane. After he boarded and the plane departed, she decided that her buns weren’t made of such stern stuff, and couldn’t handle an uncomfortable ride. Ultimately, the pilot pulled the ‘my plane, my rules’ card known to dad drivers everywhere, and told the unlucky passenger to cool his heels on either side of the throne. When the airplane hit turbulence, the only safety equipment available to the bathroom rider was a roll of toilet paper and his own clenching butt muscles. After a while, a male flight attendant let him return to his original seat in relative (for air travel) comfort.

The man is suing for more than $2 million, presumably $1 million for each cheek. If the story pans out, keep this in mind: if you’re flying JetBlue when the chips are down, you’ll probably have to sit in them.

Everyone says their money’s gone with the wind, but this time, it really happened. An Arkansas man was cleaning up after the state’s most recent bout of tornado weather when he found a solitary check, neatly folded and lying on the ground. The cashed check, dated from 1971 and worth a whopping $1.50, was originally from a town fifty miles away, apparently a monthly payment on a newspaper subscription. While the check does bear the names of each person in the transaction, no one has come forward yet to claim the document, which was still crisp and dry, without any damage from the storm.

There’s finally a replacement for the old ‘check-in-the-mail’ routine; the check is in the tornado. Next up: the tornado ate my homework!